“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make straight your paths.”
Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)
Romantically speaking, I have been single for a long time. I don’t conform to the narrative that marriage and children are for everyone; in fact, until recently, I was content with being single. My life felt full enough. I found a place of peace and community at church. I was feeling closer to God than I had in a long time. After much work repairing cracks created from one failed relationship after another, I felt whole.
So, of course, I had to mess everything up by letting someone in. Long story short: it did not end well. It’s almost as if the universe was against this relationship from the beginning. Suddenly, all of the cracks resurfaced, and I felt myself regressing back to broken. Doubt crept into my brain, spidering fissures throughout. Maybe I hadn’t laid all I could down for God. Maybe I hadn’t spoken to Him enough. Maybe something in my past was punishing me. This was something I couldn’t control, and it was tearing me up inside.
God, I am at your side. I will lean on You whenever I have doubt. I will talk to You wholeheartedly. I will listen for Your response. I have faith You will stand next to me and help me defy gravity when the devil and/or the World tries to influence my faith with more lies.
And then I went to church. The sermon was called Resistance Training, and it focused on forces that can create doubt in faith and God and how to be resilient against their lies. Hearing this message, I realized maybe it’s NOT me after all! In a world full of maybes, maybe it’s the devil telling me lies about who God is and who He believes I am. Maybe it’s the world amplifying those lies, using gravity to pull me back down. I sat on that sermon. I cried, I got mad, I let my emotions out. And then I realized that I can, as the number from the hit Broadway musical Wicked says, defy gravity.
I’ve identified the lie. I am starting over and taking the time to understand who God says I am. Love is not over for me, but it isn’t my identity either. Nothing in my past has lessened God’s love for me, so I won’t allow the devil to lessen the love I have to give to others. I trust both the plan for me and His promise that I AM enough.
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