Our Faithful Partner

Our Faithful Partner

Thus says the LORD: “Where is your mother’s certificate of divorce, with which I sent her away? Or which of my creditors is it to whom I have sold you? Behold, for your iniquities you were sold, and for your transgressions your mother was sent away.”

Isaiah 50:1 (ESV)

Have you even been angry with God? I had not realized how angry I had become or how far I had strayed from Him until recently when I had what felt like a complete emotional and mental breakdown. I have always known God to be exactly who He says He is, but in April 2018 a division in the church I had attended for twenty years started me on a spiritual decline causing me to question everything I believed about church leaders and God himself. Unfortunately, that was just the beginning of a downward spiral in my life. Life events, interpersonal relationships, health struggles, and my grandson’s autism diagnosis all dogpiled on until I was completely bankrupt of any joy. I started to see God as someone who failed me over and over again. I never considered that perhaps He was teaching me something or molding me in some way. For four years I wrongly believed that I was right to be angry, but have since come to realize that I was just feeling sorry for myself. My self-pity masqueraded as anger and convinced me it was just me against the world. Like Israel, when things didn’t go the way I expected them to, I regrettably forgot all about God’s repeated faithfulness to me and I divorced HIM. How many times God must have wanted to ask me, “Where is your certificate of divorce, my child? Why have you sold yourself? Why have you forgotten my love for you?”

Heavenly Father, when I walk away, you invite me to return again and again. When I can’t sense your presence, still you are near. Thank you for being gentle with me when I have been harsh toward you, patient when I have been angry, and loving when I have been unkind. Great is your faithfulness to me.

If you’ve ever had any type of emotional breakdown in your life, you may know that once you’ve unloaded all of those emotions, you seem to think more clearly. And that is exactly what happened to me.  Once I processed the emotions I was feeling, I was able to hear the gentle whisper of God’s voice. Although I was once convinced He had abandoned me, He was still living inside of me.  When I realized that, all I could think was that God is like my own husband who, after thirty-three years of marriage and no matter how many times I get angry with him, is still offering his hand to hold mine and inviting me to walk next to him.